Good Moaning

I've realised how easy it is to make mistakes with vowel sounds, or even whole words, when speaking another language. Remember 'Allo Allo'? Here's a conversation I had yesterday about insects with a Japanese teacher of English. I weel say zees only vunce:
M-sensei: 'I used to live in teacher housing in the countryside and it was awful. Insects everywhere! I once ran a bath, threw off all my clothes, and was about to jump in, when I looked down and screamed! There were all these little black bugs swimming in my bath! It looked like the whole surface was covered with watermelon pips...and then sometimes I have seen small brown bugs, which look like zori, the Japanese sandal, walking around on my tatami near my bed..what do you call them?'
Me: 'They're usually called woodlice but in New Zealand we call them slaters.'
M-sensei: 'Yes, them. So one day, I got home from work, was about to jump into bed, when I turned on the light and saw my mattress covered with sluts.'
Me: 'Slaters.'
M-sensei: 'Oh yes, machigatta. And then when I was walking through my house in the night, I stepped on a...snail without a shell.'
me: 'A slug.'
M-sensei: 'Yes. I have heard that you should drop a slug into soiled water to check if it is a slug or not.'
Me: ?
M-sensei: 'Ah no, no. salted water. Machigatta.'
I hate it when there are sluts all over your mattress.
Another friend of mine had an interesting exchange with his mechanic. The words for 'sound' and 'woman' are quite similar,so:
Mechanic: 'What seems to be the problem?'
K: 'There's a strange woman in my car.'
M: 'A what?'
K: 'A strange woman in my car.'
M: 'What do you mean?'
K: 'Like this.' (Does squeaking sound while bouncing up and down).
It's so easy to do. I always used to confuse the words for parents and mushrooms ('My mushrooms live in New Zealand') and for pimple and nipple ('I have nipples all over my face') and soy milk and kerosene ('One short latte with kerosene, thanks.') Thank goodness for understanding waitresses.